I've changed up the look of my diary a bit. It was time for a change. I haven't updated since August... So many things are different now. It feels like nothing is the same anymore.
Nick and I are no longer together. That's the biggest issue I'm struggling with right now. I take full responsibility for it, though. I'm the one that broke up with him. I'm the one that unknowingly condemned myself to this constant suffering. I promised myself I would have no regrets; I've found that that is one vow I cannot keep. To say I didn't wish I was still with Nick would be a lie. I can't lie to myself anymore. There's so much irony in this, it's almost funny. When I asked him who he liked, he told me. "Maybe you need to go through a period of not knowing." That is such bullshit. He doesn't understand that I went through a period of not knowing for months, until I almost couldn't take it. He doesn't understand that I -have- to know who he likes. I have to hear, from his lips((lips I would give almost anything to kiss)), that he no longer likes me. If I can hear that, I can get over it. I keep telling myself that, but is it true? If I knew that he didn't like me, would I really be able to move on, or would it just hurt more? It hurts like hell already. Is it possible for someone not to understand how much a person means to them until.. until it's too late? He knows me so well. It is agony to think about how well he knows me. He refuses to tell me who he likes. He doesn't understand, though. If I told him the truth, if I told him why I had to know, would it change anything? Would he tell me, or just be disgusted by me? Would it make us closer, or create a huge rift between us? I have to get it through my stupid head; he doesn't like me anymore. I have to get over it. But what if I can't? I don't know what to think. There are times when I'm positive he doesn't like me. But then, then there are these moments, these beautiful, precious moments... Sometimes he'll look at me, or say something to me, and it's like... It's like I'm the only person in the world that exists. It's at those moments that I feel it is almost impossible for him not to still have some kind of feelings for me. I am so confused, it isn't even funny. What I don't get is why he won't just tell me who he likes! Ugh. It pisses me off. What's the big deal? I'm not going to tell anyone; he says it's not a question of trust. Does he suspect that I still like him? Is he afraid of hurting me? Or does he just not want anyone to know? One of these days, I'm going to snap. I know I am, because I can feel it already. I had a minor "snap" on Friday. I sobbed all the way home from region tryouts. Oh, by the way... I was 52 out of like... 60. As if I didn't already feel crappy enough... But, yeah, I cried all the way home. I felt like such a baby. I'm so STUPID. But I can't help it. I can't just make myself stop feeling this way. I almost wish I could. As I was saying, one of these days, I'm going to snap. I'm just going to scream at him, tell him everything I've been trying so hard to supress. I won't be able to stop myself. Maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe that's the only way I'll ever be able to get over this; if I confess what I feel for him, to him. It may ruin the tentative friendship that has gradually reformed between us, but... it may be what I have to do. If I'm strong enough to tell him how I feel, and he's not strong enough to listen without his opinion changing of me... Then I don't need to be around him anyway. He was my best friend. I don't want to lose that, ever. That's it. That's what I have to do. I have to tell him how I feel. Yeah, it's going to be hard. Yeah, it's going to hurt like hell. But I have to do it. I have to face this. It's the only way I'll get better. I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if he doesn't know how I feel. If I got one more chance with him... I wouldn't waste it. I wouldn't waste one second of it.