-sighs- I tried to cook dinner today, and ended up failing miserably. I only suceeded at making biscuits, pasta, and a huge mess. This only goes to further prove what a failure I am most of the time. I hate the fact that I can't seem to do anything right. Enough of that, let's move on.
I spent several long, boring- albeit slightly educational- hours today searching for kissing tips. Not that I need them. ;) hehe, actually, I wasn't looking for kissing tips, persay, just... ideas. I've written several times about this being the day that I'm going to finally kiss Nick. So, I decided to look on the Internet for helpful ideas. It's actually quite frustrating. If you're looking for tips on how to french kiss, or kiss someone in an intimate way, the Internet is perfect. But, unfortunately, that's not what I'm looking for. I was looking for something, anything, that would inspire me. I can't decide how to kiss him. Eh, that's confusing. I know exactly how I'm going to kiss him. It's going to be a tender, chaste kiss on the lips, lasting no more than a few seconds. But, beyond that, I'm having trouble figuring out the details. I want it to take him completely by surprise, and leave him completely breathless, longing for more. Well, naturally he would react like that. I mean, who wouldn't, after kissing me? -winks- hehe.. Maybe I should stop trying to plan it, stop trying to calculate every detail, and just let the little things take care of themselves. There are a few things I have to decide, though. I can't make up my mind as to whether I want to kiss him in the actual movie, before it, or after it. -growls- Stupid armrests! All they do is get in the way! LMAO- Erica, you're feeling me on this one! I'm going to hold you to that; we're going into business together whenever we become multi-millionares. Inside thing. Anyway... Thinking about it, it would undoubtedly prove quite... challenging to do in the actual movie, given the seating arrangements, and the positioning... Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind dozens of time in the movie theatre before. There have been quite a few times when I've wanted to just, lean over and kiss him, and I've been unable to due to -grumble- stupid armrests and other things. Besides, I think it would make more of an impact if we were standing when it happened. Is it stupied of me to entertain notions of an idyllic kiss, the kind day dreams are made of? I don't know. My hunger for perfection in life drives me to ache for perfection in all aspects of my existence- kissing included. I can imagine in my mind exactly how I would have it happen... There are several ways, actually. But, I know from experience that things never end up the way they play out in my mind. Sometimes, they turn out better. Hopefully this is one of those times. I wish that when we were in the lobby place thingy, I could just... grab his hand, draw him close, and gently kiss him. Of course, there's no way to do that while being discreet about it. PDA doesn't bother me; having other people see me display my affection doesn't make me bat an eyelash. If it weren't for the spies that my mom has working at the movie theatre, I would have no problem kissing him in front of everyone, in the middle of the lobby. But, no... My mom worked at the cinema years ago, and now all of her old friends that are still employees there are constantly watching me whenever I show up there with a guy. They report back to my mother directly. It's kind of creepy. Not that mom would really care. Actually, I think she might find it "sweet" if she were to find out about me kissing him. Lol, that's just the way mom is. It's pretty funny, actually. I could probably make out with someone in front of her, and all she would say is, "Aww! How cute!" Wow, I've gotten way off topic. I shouldn't be giving this so much thought. It should be a spur of the moment thing, like it is in the movies. There should just be this moment, when I look at him, and our eyes meet, and we -know-. We'd lean in to kiss each other, and everyone would disappear around us, we'd be lost to the rest of the world... Things are never the way they are in the movies. Everyone wishes that's the way things were, but it just doesn't happen that way. -sigh- It's frustrating, and fascinating, all at the same time.
Okay. I've decided what I'm going to do, I think. I'm going to think about kissing him as much as I would like, until nine o' clock. After that point, I'm not allowed to think about it until I actually get to the movies. Then, I can't overanalyze it. I just have to wait for the moment, the moment I know will come, the second I know it will be right... And, if that moment decides it doesn't want to come by itself, I'll just have to help it along. Can I help it that I want it to be perfect? I'm not even concerned about whether it's perfect for me, I just want it to be amazing for -him-. Shards... I must really care about him. What if he doesn't really care about me? Ugh. I don't need to worry about that right now. I have enough things on my mind without letting my insecurities and inadequacies take control.
I can't stop thinking about it, and I can't seem to stop writing about it either. I always resolve to put it in the back of my mind, but it never works. I can picture myself touching his chin, his cheek, his jawbone, with the most feather-light of caresses, and guiding his lips to meet mine... But in my fantasies- wow, it sounds odd calling them that- he's always the one to do that to me. It would astound and delight me if he made the first move. I know if won't happen; I'm going to end up being the one to initiate it, I know. I just can't help wondering how amazing and- whats the word I'm looking for?- overwhelmingly powreful it would be if he made the move, if he kissed me. -sigh- But wishing won't get me anywhere..
I guess that's it. Another entry later, possibly after the movie.