-sighs- I can't decide whether to start on a depressing note, and end on a light note, or start out lighthearted and conclude with despondency. Because I think having a positive attitude is so important, I'll save the humor for the end of the entry. So, let's start with the serious stuff.
I'm gaining weight. I gained like, a pound today. It terrifies me. I'm going to end up -huge-. I feel disgustingly fat already. I'm going to end up looking like Natasha. That's fucking terrifying. The thought of gaining even half a pound scars me. I'm going to fix it, though. After tommorow, maybe things will get back to normal. Hopefully they will. I can't stand to think that I'm getting fat. That means I'm probably getting ugly, too. I feel huge right now, and I'm completely ashamed of myself. I have so little self control. Ugh. I hate this.
Another thing. I can't march. Okay, so I can march, but I can't do it well. To make matters worse, Mr. Hanson seems to have picked me, out of all the other people in my grade, to be the one he picks on, whose actions and technique he picks apart, and watches with all of his intense scrutiny. I hate it. It just makes me feel worse, makes me feel like more of a failure to hear him yelling at me to keep my flute up, to keep moving, to march correctly. Sometimes I just want to scream at him to go away, and leave me alone, tell him that I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying so hard, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to get this perfect. It's driving me insane. Mr. Hansen only complicates matters. He makes me feel ten times more inadequate and more imperfect than I already do. He's not making me motivated to do better, he's driving me to feel even worse about myself. That makes me feel hopeless, which makes my concentration crumble completely, leaving me distracted when I need to be able to focus on my marching. I feel like such a failure... You have no idea how hard I try to get it right, it just seems like nothing I do is ever good enough. Mr. Lewis is so nice, much more encouraging than I expected him to be. Surprisingly, he's helped me a lot. I think that with him reassuring me, telling me that I -will- get this, I would have already fallen prey to Mr. Hansen's degrading, biting comments. And yet, his kindness makes me feel almost worse about my failure than Mr. Hansen's cruelty does. (Okay, so maybe cruelty is a little bit of an exageration, he's just going overboard with trying to do his job.) I feel like I'm letting down Mr. Lewis, and everyone else who actually believes in me, when I don't get every detail right. -sigh- I don't know. We'll see what happens. All I know is that I don't think I can stand much more of this constant critisism.
Right now, I feel inadequate, and worthless. I feel fat, ugly, and stupid. I feel like no one should care about me, because I'm a waste of everyone's time. I can never please everyone; I can never even please myself. I keep thinking that someday soon Nick is going to realize that I'm not worth his time, I'm not worth liking. He'll finally see the ugly, unimportant, imperfect person that I am, and realize that he doesn't want me to be a part of his life. Sooner or later, everyone that knows me is inevitably going to come to a similar conclusion. I know that I'm exagerating a little, but it's the way I feel. I wish... I wish that Nick would just.. hold me while I cry. Not that I would ever let him see me cry, especially not over things as stupid as this. -sigh-
Okay, moving on to a little bit of a brighter subject. Tommorow is the day. It's the two month anniversary. -nods- It's the day I'm going to kiss him. I don't know why I've taken so long in doing it. It amazes me, because normally, I move extremely fast in relationships, as far as the physical aspect is concerned. I don't know... Maybe I'm just somewhat afraid that he'll think I'm moving too fast for the relationship, or something. It's odd, but I really don't want to damage what we have right now. I think I really might care about him. Anyway... The kiss has to be perfect, even though I'm sure it won't be. Sometimes, though, it's the little imperfections that make moments what they are. It has to be tender, but sexy. At the same time, I want it to be slightly planned, but with an obviously element of spontanaeity. I hate being predictable. I want this to be something that completely takes him by surprise, and leaves him breathless. I want it to be amazing... And it will be, I'll make sure it is. I'll figure it out somehow. But, I promise, I will kiss him tommorow. I'm going to make myself. It's going to happen. Seriously, it will. And when it does, it's going to be great.
How can something be extremely disgusting, and yet overwhelmingly sweet at the same time? It's wierd, but, that's what Collin and Elizabeth are. They did the cutest/grossest thing the other day! Elizabeth was sitting with Collin's arms wrapped around her, her head leaning back against his shoulder. She lifted her head to look him in the eyes, and he met her gaze. She said something to him, something inaudible to everyone but him. Then they both leaned forward, and kissed each other. It wasn't even a "real" kiss. Well, I take that back. It was more real than a lot of makeout sessions I've seen. Their lips just barely brushed. It was so tender, so affectionate, I just... I couldn't help but watch. I felt like I was invading something just by being there, and yet I felt privaleged to witness such a thing. It was really an odd experience. I no longer hesitate to admit that, yes, I want Nick and I to have what they have.
Okay, now, I get to end this entry on an extremely funny note. Yesterday, I was reading Erica's Cosmopolitan magazine, and I ran across an article on how to conceal a hickey. Immediately, I thought of Nick. Erica gladly gave me permission to clip the article out, and I wrote Nick a letter, telling him that I thought of him as soon as I saw the article. I told him that I hoped the information would come in handy the next time he had a little too much fun with Christy. I put the note and the article in an envelope, and gave them to him to read at band. It was -hilarious-. hehe, he was kinda mad, but what can I say? He even admitted that it would have been extremely funny, had it not happened to him. Now he's talking about getting revenge. I don't think so! =P Mwahahah! -evil laugh- I'm the ultimate at evil schemes. I enjoy this too much!
I guess that's it for now; my sister's forcing me off the computer. Another entry later.