It seems I've gone from the "bitchy girlfriend" to the "over-concerned, slightly- subtly- controlling girlfriend" over the span of one day. It's kind of funny how these things happen, isn't it? I'm not mad at Nick anymore. Now I'm... -sigh- I don't know what to call it. 'Concerned' is a word that would suffice, I suppose. Here's the deal. I just can't help wondering about all these different things. I mean, I keep thinking, how does he really feel about me? Is he serious? Does he seriously care for me? Am I the same person he thought I was, before he started going out with me? Does he still have feelings for Kritzia, or anyone else, for that matter? Does he want us to be closer physically than we are now? I know I sure as hell do. Lol, that's such a typical comment for me to make... Is he going to start liking someone else when the school year starts, liking someone more than me? Does he think I obsess about things too much? -sighs- I do obsess about things too much. Hm, that kind of makes sense, considering the fact that I have OCD. Does he think I need to stop worrying about things like my weight, and my hair? How the fuck am I supposed to figure out the answers to all these freaking questions? I have a thousand others, too. It makes me realize how much a do really obsess about things when I shouldn't. I need to lighten up. I can't help it! What does it mean that I'm so concerned about all of this? Does it mean that I'm serious about him, that I really have feelings for him? I don't remember ever obsessing so much over other guys. hehe, well, maybe Daniel... But he was different. Somehow... -shrugs- I just want to be able to stop worrying about all this stupid stuff. How do I fucking clear my mind? Why can't I ever seem to get -him- off my mind? Does he think about me as much as I seem to think about him? Does he obsess about trivial things, like I do? More questions. The answers are, probably not. Guys don't seem to have problems like that in the way girls do. I don't know. I just need to figure this all out. Tommorow, I'm going to focus the first two hours of marching to thinking all of this through. The second two hours will be focused on clearing my mind, of emptying my thoughts of everything but the drills and commands. I think that will do the trick... In fact, in some odd way, I think marching is just the thing I need write now. It gives you the opportunity to either let your thoughts wander completely, or be completely focused on something that has nothing to do with "real life." I don't mind it as much as I thought I would. I almost... enjoy it, in some way. If it wasn't so physically exhausting, and unpleasant, I -would- enjoy it. Just being able to think, without having to listen to other people talk, or have them invade your privacy, is awesome. Yes... It's a plan.
On another note, Elizabeth figured it out for me the other day. Nick and I will have been going out for two months exactly next Wednesday, the eleventh. That's the day of the Midnight Movie. That's the day I'm going to kiss him, if I can wait that long. hehe... I really want to. I can't believe I've waited this long to do it. I almost wish that he would make the first move. I mean, I enjoy being aggressive and all that; it's fun to be the seductive, controlling one every once in a while. But.. I'd really like him to make the first move to kiss me, or to initiate some kind of physical contact. -sigh- Relationships are so complicated. Sometimes though, they really are worth all the work. Does he think I'm a dork? Does he think I'm not pretty enough, or cool enough, or anything like that? I really need to stop thinking about this. -sigh-
Our region music is fucking "challenging!" Lmao... Sorry, but, I gotta say it... It's harder than Terrel after listening to Erica on the phone! LMFAO! Suffice it to say that it's really hard(Mrs. Penner would disapprove), extremely difficult. It makes me frustrated. I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm nothing compared to the older players. It really makes me feel inadequate, and imperfect. Gotta hate that. Oh well, I guess it just means I'll have to devote even more of my free time to band, and practice as much as I can stand to.
I guess that's it for now. I have to go practice; we have a chair test tommorow. Another entry later, perhaps.