Dude. That seriously the only thing I can say. It's funny, how inarticulate I become in... odd situations. But... What else is there to say? I'm stunned beyond belief, and, for some reason completely beyond my comprehension, slightly hurt. Envy is powerful emotion... -shakes her head- I'm normally not a jealous person; this shouldn't be any different, but it is. I suppose I should write down the whole story, before I go into detail about my emotions. So, I will...
Today, after 3rd period, Collin walked up to me as I was leaving class. The first thing he said to me was, "Nick has a hickey!" Naturally, I didn't believe him. I mean, he's -Collin-. I thought that he was lying, or that whatever was on Nick's neck just -looked- like a hickey, but wasn't. I didn't get to see it, so I just kept walking to 4th period. Lauren and I started talking about it; neither of us believe what Collin had to say. So, we just kind of dismissed it as some odd story invented simply to make us think things. That was, until, Kritzia, who happens to sit behind me, started to tell us about it. Kritzia is someone I can trust for information, and with keeping secrets. I've told her one secret of mine that -no one- else knows. She hasn't told anyone. Anyway, she started telling us about how -she- had seen Nick's hickey. I thought she was exaggerating. We left for lunch shortly after my conversation with Kritzia. Nick normally sits at our table. Today was no different, with the exception that he was oddly eager to get outside. So, when he came to sit down and eat, both Lauren and I just stared at him, at his neck, in particular. It was actually pretty funny, because we weren't looking at -him- while he was talking, we were looking at his neck. He had the hickey covered up, by his hoody/jacket-thing. Every once in a while we would catch slight glimpse of it; we never got a good enough look at it to determine if it was really a hickey or not. By that time, everyone was already bugging him about it, asking him who gave it to him, when it happened, all of that stuff. Lauren and I were forced to simply speculate on the matter without any proof to back the information up. So, we talked about it for the rest of lunch, trying to figure out who could have possibly given it to him. We couldn't figure it out; we still can't. We left, and went to class.
7th period came, a class that Nick is in with me. It was then that I truly got a good glimpse of "the hickey," as it is so called. I have -never- seen a hickey that perfect. Seriously! I know that sounds wierd, but it's true! It was a perfect circle, and it was -huge-. I'm not even kidding. That girl.. or uhm, guy, which I hope to goodness it wasn't... had a big mouth! I'm not joking. He won't tell anyone who gave it to him. -sigh- I don't blame him for not telling me. To think that I had his trust, and then lost it over something so stupid... -shakes her head- Oh well, I've learned from my mistakes, and I guess that's what matters.
I started thinking about it, about the girl that gave it to him. I don't know her, but still... I make my own little assumptions. She's probably prettier than me, more intelligent than I am, nicer than I am, a better person, with a more awesome personality...-sigh- Just the thought, it... It hurts me. I don't know how. It shouldn't. I promised myself that I wouldn't let something like this hurt me. It just goes to show how empty my own promises can be. I'm jealous, and I can't fucking help it. I'm human, okay? Maybe that's just it. I'm human... I can't be fucking perfect, not for him, not for myself. I can't even come close. And the thought tears me apart. I can never- I will never- be good enough, not for him, not to satisfy myself. I hate that.
I have to know, now more than ever, if he has any feelings whatsoever for me. How -could- he? There's obviously someone he likes a -lot-, and it sure as hell isn't me. How -could- he like me? How could anyone like me? -sigh- I just.. need to know, for sure. "His constant not doing anything destroys my hopes, possible, and impossible." It's a quote from the play Electra... It's almost appropriate for this, only it should say -my-, instead of -his-. I fucking need to know. That's all there is to it. I know I've said this all before, and I haven't done anything yet. But, now... Now something has to be done. And it will be. Tommorow. I am going to find out, tommorow. Somehow... Even if it means asking him myself... I just have to know.
I guess that's it. Another entry soon, possibly...